it hurts more in the daytime
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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