I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize