please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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