I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
