Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
