i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
