Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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