so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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