your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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