Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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