New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
