I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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