I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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