Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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