i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
