Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
