my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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