i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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