the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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