I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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