Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize