It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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