Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
