and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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