Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
