I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
