Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize