I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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