just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
