I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
