My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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