I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
3 2 1 whiskey
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
