Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
