If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize