It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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