i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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