You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
