hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
