you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
