You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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