Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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