I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
