Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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