I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize