Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
