Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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