He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
