Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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