Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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