Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
