Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize