he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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