how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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