The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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