The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
