You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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