i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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