you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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