I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
